A client recently asked me, “What’s the biggest mistake people make during a divorce?” It was a good question, and one that deserves a thoughtful answer. In truth, there are a few common mistakes people make that derail their chances for a divorce that they’re able to walk away from unscathed (ok, less scathed). These common pitfalls cost people unnecessary time and money and certainly leave them emotionally and financially worse off than they need to be.
Here are the top five:
Letting Emotions Drive the Case
Divorce is emotional, there’s no question. But when people make decisions based on anger, fear, or revenge instead of strategy and facts, it rarely ends well. Emotional decision-making leads to poor settlement choices, unnecessary litigation, and long-term regret. That’s why it’s critical to have a therapist or some other trusted guide in your corner to help process the emotional side so your legal decisions can stay clear and focused. Keep in mind that family members often have an emotional stake in the situation, which can make it difficult for them to offer neutral guidance or objective advice.
Asking for Something They’ll Never Get
Some clients insist on pursuing outcomes that simply aren’t legally possible. Some people come into this process looking for 100% of the parenting time with children (when both parents are fit), or an unreasonable majority of the marital estate. Setting unrealistic goals sets the case up for conflict and disappointment. Listen to your attorney’s guidance about what the law allows and give yourself the gift of reasonable expectations to prepare for life moving foward.
Chasing Rabbit Holes
Getting sidetracked by small, emotionally charged issues, a minor asset, an old grievance, or a social media post, can waste time and energy. It’s easy to fall down these rabbit holes, but it takes focus and discipline to stay on track. Remember: not every battle is worth fighting. Focus on your goals and moving forward.
Spending Dollars to Get Dimes
Clients sometimes want to fight over every last item, even when the legal fees to win it far exceed its actual value. Be strategic. A good settlement often means letting go of the small stuff to focus on achieving your top priorities. As they say, sometimes you have to lose a battle to win the war.
Seeking Emotional Justice Through the Court
Family court is not designed to give you emotional closure. It won’t punish your ex or validate your pain. That’s not its role and you will find that our statute was in fact created not to punish people for unfavorable behavior. If you’re looking for justice in the emotional sense, that’s another job for therapy. I personally find the best “justice” is to set yourself up to move on, find peace, and not let it define your identity.
The Bottom Line:
You have to trust your attorney to help you see the big picture and guide you through the legal terrain. At the same time, get the emotional support you need from professionals trained to provide it. Divorce is only one chapter of your story. Make decisions with the excitement of your post-divorce life in mind.
There is life after divorce. Let’s make sure you’re positioned to live it well.
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