In a new feature called Prudie Phones a Friend, advice columnist Jenée Desmond-Harris responds to a letter from a young queer couple who have been asked by an older gay man at their church, Mark, to serve as executors of his will and medical powers of attorney. The couple wants to help and sees it as a way to support their local queer community, but they’re unsure about the responsibilities involved and the long-term commitment, especially since they may move away in the future.
Because these roles involve complex legal and emotional responsibilities, Desmond-Harris consults legal experts Rhonda Anderson and Naomi R. Cahn. They explain that acting as a medical power of attorney means making healthcare decisions for Mark if he becomes incapacitated, which requires understanding his wishes in detail and communicating them to healthcare providers. Serving as an executor involves handling all of Mark’s financial and legal affairs after his death, such as collecting assets, paying debts and taxes, and distributing what remains. These tasks can be time-consuming, emotionally demanding, and carry potential legal liability if done incorrectly.
The experts emphasize that many people underestimate how much work these roles involve. Anderson notes that it’s important to fully understand the time and emotional investment before agreeing. Cahn warns that these responsibilities might not begin for years but could become intense quickly if Mark’s health declines. She also points out that even well-intentioned mistakes—like missing tax deadlines—can have serious consequences. Additionally, group dynamics could complicate things. If the couple breaks up or has to work with others Mark has named, tensions could arise, especially during difficult decisions like taking someone off life support.
The couple is advised to ask Mark some direct but necessary questions: about his current health, who else is involved in the decision-making team, and whether he would still want them to serve if they moved away. These conversations may feel awkward but are essential if they’re going to take on such a significant role.
Ultimately, Desmond-Harris encourages the couple to reflect on their capacity to commit long-term. They should consider how much stress, time, and emotional labor they’re willing to give in order to support someone in this specific way. There are many meaningful ways to give back to their community, and this might not be the right one. If they decide the role isn’t a good fit, saying no respectfully is okay—and likely something Mark will understand.
As a final thought, both legal experts recommend that the couple take this opportunity to complete their own end-of-life planning documents, inspired by Mark’s proactive approach.
For more information see Jenée Desmond-Harris “Help! A Nice Man at Church Asked Us for a Favor. We Have No Idea What We’re About to Get Into.” Slate.com, April 11, 2025.
Special thanks to Naomi Cahn (University of Virginia School of Law) for bringing this article to my attention.
https://lawprofessors.typepad.com/trusts_estates_prof/2025/04/help-a-nice-man-at-church-asked-us-for-a-favor-we-have-no-idea-what-were-about-to-get-into.html